FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS (Parts 81-90)
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 81: FAMILY HERITAGE (5/15/22)
All these are the twelve tribes of Israel. This is what their father said to them as he blessed them, blessing each with the blessing suitable to him (Gen 49:28).
My grandfather’s last story.
One evening, shortly before he died, Papa (my grandfather) told me the story of Charlie Hale and Papa’s brother, Ray. The story was as much about Papa’s heart as it was about Charlie Hale.
Charlie Hale was not a savory character. He was a notorious criminal. Papa’s brother, Ray, fell in with him and they started “doing business” together. When Papa was young, Ray and Charlie Hale had an argument. Charlie Hale shot and killed Ray. Papa said he hated Charlie Hale for years after the shooting. There were times when Papa considered killing Charlie Hale, and if he had a gun and the opportunity, he would have pulled the trigger.
Through the early years of their marriage, Meme (my grandmother) began to talk with Papa about forgiveness. At first, Papa refused to forgive Charlie Hale. Meme kept encouraging him, and reminded him of the forgiveness that Jesus offers to all of us. Eventually, over forty years after the shooting, Papa forgave Charlie Hale and removed the hate from his heart. He experienced a deeper peace in his life when he did.
I cannot tell you how much that act of forgiveness changed and re-directed the culture of my family. Descendants of Papa like myself, Pastor Martin, and many others were eternally impacted by that act of forgiveness.
Families have cycles of dysfunction that are passed down from generation to generation. Alcoholism, divorce, dependency, abuse, and poverty are only a few of the issues that run in families. Bitterness is another dysfunction that is passed down through generations as well. The dysfunction is passed from parent to child as if some spirit is writing the script.
Forgiveness arises out of the goodness of God. Forgiveness is the key to breaking the cycles of dysfunction and illness in my family. My grandfather passed on a rule of love and forgiveness to his descendants instead of the law of hate and revenge.
Meditation: Identify generational patterns of dysfunction that have impacted you. Write about them in your journal. Then consider how forgiveness can impact those patterns. Seek the Lord about forgiveness in your life and what forgiveness needs to occur regarding those dysfunctions.
(The story about Papa and Charlie Hale is from Dod Knows, a book of stories about Jimmy, my uncle with Down’s Syndrome. For more information, go to the Books tab on this website)
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: Tribal forgiveness
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 82: JESUS SET ME FREE (5/17/22)
So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed (John 8:36).
In my last post, I told about my grandfather (Papa Martin) who held resentment, bitterness, and hate for 40 years against Charlie Hale, the man who shot and killed his brother. But Papa Martin decided to forgive Charlie Hale and thus impacted not only his own life, but the lives of his many descendants.
When I was young, there was a song at church that my grandfather and grandmother (Papa and Meme) especially seemed to relish. It went like this:
I’m so glad that Jesus set me free,
I’m so glad that Jesus set me free,
I’m so glad that Jesus set me free,
Singing Glory Hallelujah, Jesus set me free.
Papa and Meme sang that song with extra energy and vigor. The song continued:
Satan had me bound, but Jesus set me free,
Satan had me bound, but Jesus set me free,
Satan had me bound, but Jesus set me free,
Singing Glory Hallelujah, Jesus set me free.
(Author unknown).
I must confess that, as a young person, I didn’t see anything special in that song. In fact, in my arrogance, the words seemed simplistic and redundant. But the song was so meaningful to my grandparents that, of all the songs they sang and loved, it remained with me.
And now, as I consider that last story that Papa told me with a purpose, the love of this simple song makes more sense. Papa lived under the shadow of resentment, bitterness, and hate for forty years. When you live like that, darkness hangs like a cloud over your life and grips your heart like a vice.
But Papa finally let it go and forgave Charlie Hale. He experienced the freedom of living in forgiveness, grace, and love.
Jesus set him free – and Papa sang about it with gusto.
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: Tribal forgiveness
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 83: TRIBAL FORGIVENESS (5/20/22)
When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him."
So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father gave this command before he died: 'Say to Joseph, "Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you."' And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." Joseph wept when they spoke to him.
His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants."
But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones." Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them (Gen 50:15-21).
We have previously talked about Joseph and the amazing grace that he exercised. He trusted God during oppressive circumstances and he forgave his brothers who were his persecutors. Joseph had the power to inflict pay back on his brothers. With a snap of his fingers, his brothers would have been in jail, scourged, or even executed. But Joseph chose to show them grace.
Think of the impact of Joseph’s choice to forgive rather than retaliate. If Joseph had retaliated, there would have been resentment and conflict among the families. The 12 tribes of Israel would have been at enmity, and generation after generation would have engaged in a family feud.
But Joseph did not allow that negative cycle to begin. Joseph forgave his brothers, comforted them, and spoke kindly to them. Joseph set the table for peace within the family, and for generations of life and peace.
That is the power of forgiveness.
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: Cultural forgiveness
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 84: THE SOJOURNER (5/22/22)
You shall not oppress a sojourner. You know the heart of a sojourner, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt (Exo 23:9).
My friend, Pastor Naina, commented on my last post that we do not know the burdens that many people bear. Fighting against bitterness is extremely difficult for persons who have suffered severe trauma. Pastor Naina knows of what he speaks.
For almost 30 years, I have tried to assist refugee families and youth. The stories that I have heard are heart wrenching and almost unfathomable. Pastor Naina is Nepali. But many Nepali’s lived in Bhutan in order to work. By the early 1990’s, the ethnic Nepali population in Bhutan became significant (I have heard estimates of 20% of the population of Bhutan). The Bhutanese government decided that this Nepali population was a threat and engaged in a policy of explusion and extinction.
Nepali’s were essentially told to leave Bhutan or die. The government banned the teaching of the Nepali language in schools. Government officials seized Nepali lands, burned their homes, tortured prisoners, and killed many of them. It was an ethnic cleansing.
Over 100,000 Nepali’s fled Bhutan to refugee camps in Nepal and northern India. Some 20 years later, many Nepali’s were still in refugee camps. Amnesty International called it “one of most protracted and neglected refugee crises in the world.”
In America, we are insulated. Over the last 30 years, millions of persons like Pastor Naina have faced displacement, hunger, torture, and death in countries like Bosnia, Vietnam, Somalia, Sudan, Congo, Liberia, and Burma (Myanmar) to name just a few. You can google it, but here are estimated death tolls I have seen for a some of these countries:
Bosnia – 175,000
Burma – 300,000
Liberia – 150,000
Most of these death tolls are underreported because they are essentially genocides, and governments engaging in genocide try to cover it up. The number of persons who fled and were displaced is a multiple many times over.
So when Pastor Naina comments that we do not know the challenges that some people face in the area of bitterness, he knows what he is saying – firsthand. Pastor Naina and our Nepali friends are trying to overcome incredible burdens.
Now we all have challenges in life. I am not trying to diminish trauma, abuse, or burdens that any person has faced. But we need to allow refugees like Pastor Naina, who are trying to follow Jesus and who are trying to forgive, be an inspiration to us. I have attended Pastor Naina’s church often in the last 11 years. The gentleness and warmth of my Nepali friends is quite remarkable.
One more thing: Because of his faith, Pastor Naina returns regularly to Nepal and to northern India to share the gospel. These trips cost money. His Nepali church gives sacrificially to support this mission – and most of his members struggle just to get by.
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 85: WELCOMING THE STRANGER (5/27/22)
When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. Before him will be gathered all the nations, and he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left.
Then the King will say to those on his right, “Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.”
Then the righteous will answer him, saying, “Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?”
And the King will answer them, “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.”
Then he will say to those on his left, “Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.”
Then they also will answer, saying, “Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?”
Then he will answer them, saying, “Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.”
And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life (Matt 25:31-46).
“I was a stranger and you welcomed me.”
Li Chong was a young man that I coached in soccer many years ago. One day, I asked Li about his family. Li told me that he lived with his father. Then, he told me his story.
Li was Hoa, an ethnic minority in Vietnam. For many years, the government in Vietnam persecuted the Hoa people and the Montagnard people, in part because they assisted the American troops in the Vietnam War.
Because of the situation, Li and his family fled Vietnam by boat. Li and his father were on one boat, and his mother and brother were on a second boat. Both boats were loaded to the brim with refugees.
The boats were in the South China Sea when a storm arose. Li and his father watched as the overcrowded boat with Li’s mother and brother flooded and then capsized. Li’s boat was unable to assist because of the storm. Li’s mother and brother drowned.
Li’s boat made it to Hong Kong. Li and his father were placed in a refugee camp where they stayed for 7 years before they were able to come to the United States.
You may have heard about the “Vietnamese boat people.” These are displaced people that fled Vietnam by boat. The United Nations High Commission for Refugees estimates that between 200,000 and 400,000 boat people died at sea (Source: Wikipedia). Li was one of the “lucky ones.”
Time and again, scripture tells us to be kind to the stranger, the alien, and the foreigner in our midst. Jesus gives us a specific mandate in the parable above. But it fundamentally boils down to the dictates of love.
We Americans love our comfortable American lifestyle. I love my comfortable American lifestyle. We enjoy an abundance and luxury, and we are intentional to preserve it.
But love dictates another path. Love dictates that I reach out to the refugee in my land. Love means that I sacrifice – even if it is just a little – to help persons who have suffered what refugees suffer.
In the parable above, Jesus gives us a clear choice as to our action. I think that, for Americans, this choice is clear: we choose the “good life” of our American culture, or we choose to reconfigure our life to obey Jesus and to follow the dictates of love for others.
(My friends and coworkers, Steve and Susanne Parker (see picture), lead a ministry, Fochus Ministries, that assists Montagnard families and youth. This work has now extended back to Vietnam and Steve has made numerous trips there. You can learn more about their ministry at www.fochus.org).
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 86:
THE BIBLICAL TITHE (6/3/22)
And you shall rejoice in all the good that the LORD your God has given to you and to your house, you, and the Levite, and the sojourner who is among you.
When you have finished paying all the tithe of your produce in the third year, which is the year of tithing, giving it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, so that they may eat within your towns and be filled, then you shall say before the LORD your God, “I have removed the sacred portion out of my house, and moreover, I have given it to the Levite, the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow, according to all your commandment that you have commanded me. I have not transgressed any of your commandments, nor have I forgotten them” (Deut 26:11-13).
[Sojourner: The Hebrew term refers to a resident alien, a non-citizen in a country where he resides more or less permanently, enjoying certain limited civic rights. This person, the sojourner, is one who actually dwells among another people in contrast to the foreigner, whose stay is temporary (Source: biblegateway.com)]
We have been discussing the challenges that refugees face – particularly in the area of bitterness. Mohamed was one of these refugees. Mohamed fled his country when civil war devastated it.
When Mohamed was 6 years old, rebel forces came to his village. The rebels were rapacious and engaged in random killings to terrorize the village. Mohamed told me he and his family were forced to watch while rebel soldiers seized his 12 year old sister, took her outside, and shot her. Years ago, when I heard stories like this one, I would go home at night and hug my children.
Through the years, I have heard many sermons on tithing. But I have never heard a sermon on the details of the tithe that is set forth twice - in Deuteronomy 14 and 26.
For the first 2 years, the tithe went to the priest. But every third year, the tithe was given differently. In the third year, the tithe did not go to religious authority. It was distributed by the giver to the Levite, the sojourner, the widow, and the orphan in their home town. Every third year, the tithe was given directly to the poor and needy.
Here is one aspect of bitterness that I have seen and heard: The refugees that come to our country have experienced trauma and hardship. Then, when they arrive, the refugees see the abundance and wealth that we have. They see the way that we, as Americans, handle that wealth and use it for ourselves. They see the way that our churches and institutions use wealth.
More than one refugee friend has expressed bitterness to me because of the selfish ways Americans use their money. I don’t blame them. Our lifestyle is a stumbling block, and yet another source of bitterness for many sojourners.
I would love to see a church that practiced a Biblical tithe. What if the church asked its members to tithe in the manner that scripture directs? What if members gave 1/3 of their tithe directly to care for the widow, the orphan, and the refugee?
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Cultural bitterness
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 87: STEPS TO FORGIVENESS (6/5/22)
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses (Mk 11:25)
On New Year’s Eve in 1995, Frances McNeill, a 78-year-old woman who lived alone in Knoxville, Tennessee, went to bed early. Outside, someone watched the house lights flick off. Figuring its inhabitants were gone for the night, he made his move.
McNeill awoke to the sound of the intruder rummaging through her bookshelves and drawers. She walked out of her bedroom and crept up behind him. He swiveled around, raised his crowbar high above his head, and bludgeoned McNeill to death. Afterward, he raped her with a wine bottle.
The next morning, McNeill’s son, Mike, discovered her body on the blood-stained carpet. Mike frantically called his older brother, Everett Worthington, who drove over to the house right away.
For the next 24 hours, the brothers seethed with rage.
“It was a traumatic scene and terrible to walk through the house I was raised and see the evidence of all this violence,” said Worthington, who recalled the incident recently. “At one point, I pointed to a baseball bat and thought, 'I wish that guy was here so I could beat his brains out.'”
Worthington, who was (and remains) a professor of psychology at Virginia Commonwealth University, had at that point been actively researching the psychology of forgiveness for several years. He was studying how people forgive and how forgiveness can work alongside justice.
"I thought, ‘Oh man, here is a guy who has written a book about forgiveness, has taught about this,’” Worthington said of himself. Surely, he thought, an expert on forgiveness could find a way to make peace with even the most heinous perpetrator.
He decided he was going to try to forgive the killer.
Mind you, Worthington does not forgive easily. He says he once had a professor who gave him a B and it took him “10 years and a religious experience to forgive that guy.” But he knew from his research that carrying around the anger over his mother’s homicide would be worse than the painful process of absolution.
To do it, Worthington used his own, five-step “REACH” method of forgiveness.
· First, you “Recall” the incident, including all the hurt.
· “Empathize” with the person who wronged you.
· Then, you give them the “Altruistic gift” of forgiveness, maybe by recalling how good it felt to be forgiven by someone you yourself have wronged.
· Next, “Commit” yourself to forgive publicly by telling a friend or the person you’re forgiving.
· Finally, “Hold” onto forgiveness. Even when feelings of anger surface, remind yourself that you’ve already forgiven.
After that first, agonizing 24 hours following his mother’s death came another 20 or so during which Worthington says he went through all five REACH steps. He forgave his mother’s murderer completely. He says it was important to do so right away.
“I was emotionally aroused, and that magnified all the emotional experiences I was having,” he said. “So when I had the experience of working through and forgiving this person, it gave it a little extra power. If I had done it two days later, when I was calmed down, probably it wouldn't have had as much effect…”
“The power to grant forgiveness (and its benefits) rests with victims,” the authors [of a study on forgiveness] concluded. (From https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/the-forgiveness-boost/384796/)
The REACH to forgiveness steps outlined by Worthington are valuable and can be put into practice. We will explore each of these steps in future posts.
But for now, know that, through God’s grace and command, you have the power to forgive.
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: Acknowledgement
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 88: ACKNOWLEDGEMENT (6/10/22)
David said to Nathan “I have sinned against the Lord” (2 Sam 12:13).
Everett Worthington developed a five-step “REACH” method of forgiveness. My last post described how he used this method to forgive his mother’s killer.
· First, you “Recall” the incident, including all the hurt.
· “Empathize” with the person who wronged you.
· Then, you give them the “Altruistic gift” of forgiveness, maybe by recalling how good it felt to be forgiven by someone you yourself have wronged.
· Next, “Commit” yourself to forgive publicly by telling a friend or the person you’re forgiving.
· Finally, “Hold” onto forgiveness. Even when feelings of anger surface, remind yourself that you’ve already forgiven.
The first step is to recall the incident. This recall is a form of acknowledgement – acknowledgement that the event happened, and an acknowledgement of your feelings about the event.
But it isn’t just recall. Worthington says to recall the incident “including all the hurt.” But why do we need to feel the pain of the abuse or the offense? Isn’t that something we are trying to avoid?
In order to cure a sickness, there first has to be a diagnosis. But it is not unusual for a person who is ill to deny the illness or to try to ignore it.
The same is true for our emotional discomforts. We tend to deny them or just ignore them because they are painful and they make us feel bad. So they remain as a part of us and are buried deep within. They seem to rise to the surface at the most inopportune times. When they surface, they do damage to us and to others.
We need to acknowledge our emotional pains in order to identify them and to heal them.
And we don’t just feel pain, we also feel a certain way toward the person(s) that offended us or abused us. We don’t tend to use the word “hate” because we know we are not supposed to hate people. But we all have people that we “really don’t like.”
We also tend not to call people our “enemies.” But the persons who have abused us, who have spitefully used us, or who have persecuted us, feel like our enemies. We need to acknowledge our true feelings toward them in order for those feelings to change.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT IS THE FIRST STEP TO HEALING AND WHOLENESS. Acknowledgement is a part of finding truth and, as Jesus tells us, the truth will set you free.
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: Brokenness
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 89: BROKENNESS (6/12/22)
He also told this parable to some who trusted in themselves that they were righteous, and treated others with contempt:
“Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: 'God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.'
“But the tax collector, standing far off, would not even lift up his eyes to heaven, but beat his breast, saying, 'God, be merciful to me, a sinner!'
“I tell you, this man went down to his house justified, rather than the other. For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but the one who humbles himself will be exalted” (Lk 18:9-14).
I saw my friend recently. He is a pastor and a precious man of God. His wife passed away last year. My friend told me he has cried every day since his wife died. He feels hollow inside.
Yet my friend continues to work in the ministry. He continues to serve others and to minister to their needs and hurts. And he feels deeply any loss that they feel.
“You are ministering out of brokenness” I told him. “That is the most powerful place from which to minister.”
The first step in the REACH method of forgiveness is to recall the incident, including all the hurt. This recall is an acknowledgement of the pain and hurt that we feel. Sometimes it is even shame that we feel.
I believe that we should embrace our brokenness – not run from it and not hide it. By embrace, I don’t mean to give in to it or to seek greater dysfunction. By embrace, I mean to acknowledge it and to lean into it.
Here is the truth: we all are broken. Isn’t that the lesson of the parable of the Pharisee and the sinner? The Pharisee was beyond help because he was blind. He could not see his brokenness for his self-righteousness.
But the sinner acknowledged his brokenness. And in that acknowledgement, he reached into, and grabbed hold of, the grace of God. Jesus said he walked away “justified.” That grace is a wonderful thing to the person who is broken and who is willing to acknowledge it.
So, in a sense, to recall the incident is to acknowledge my brokenness to the Lord - my pain, my hurt, my offense, my pride, my angst, my panic, my grief, my hollowness, my weakness. Forgiveness is often one of those things that is beyond my strength. I need His help to do it. When I acknowledge my weakness, then I am in a position to avail myself of that amazing grace.
And amazing grace is the one thing that empowers us able to forgive the deep hurts that we have experienced.
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: Step Two - Empathy
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 90: THE GREAT DIVIDE (6/18/22)
And Jesus said “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Lk 23:34a)
Everett Worthington developed a five-step “REACH” method of forgiveness. Worthington used this method to forgive his mother’s killer.
· First, you “Recall” the incident, including all the hurt.
· “Empathize” with the person who wronged you.
· Then, you give them the “Altruistic gift” of forgiveness, maybe by recalling how good it felt to be forgiven by someone you yourself have wronged.
· Next, “Commit” yourself to forgive publicly by telling a friend or the person you’re forgiving.
· Finally, “Hold” onto forgiveness. Even when feelings of anger surface, remind yourself that you’ve already forgiven.
The second step is to practice empathy with the person in question. What helped on the empathy front, Worthington says, was that after the intruder killed [his mother], he ran from room to room, smashing all of the mirrors with the crowbar—even in the rooms he didn’t search. Worthington took it as a sign that he couldn’t look at himself.
“I started thinking about this from the point of view of someone who is keyed up and think they have perfect crime, and this woman is looking at them right in the face, and he has the means right in his hand,” Worthington said. (From https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/the-forgiveness-boost/384796/)
Note the difficult effort to exercise empathy. Empathy is trying to understand the perspective of another person - the thoughts and feelings of that person. Empathy is not the same as sympathy which is identification and agreement with the perspective of another person. Empathy can lead to sympathy but just because you understand the perspective of another person does not mean you agree with it.
The practice of empathy is a hallmark of maturity. Empathy requires objectivity and it is motivated by care, concern, and love for another person. If I care about you, I care about your thoughts, feelings, and perspective.
The greatest empathy possible was shown by Jesus. Jesus existed in the form of God, but out of care, concern, and love, He took on the form of a man in order to reconcile with us (Php 2:3-9). Jesus crossed the Great Divide. And in many senses, that is what empathy does. Empathy enables us to bridge “great divides” to care for, and to understand, the other side.
And at the point of Jesus’ greatest suffering, as He was dying, He used empathy as a basis for forgiveness. The persons crucifying Him did not understand the source of their actions or the impact of their actions. Jesus discerned this fact and He sought forgiveness for them.
Jesus still offers that forgiveness today. It is amazing grace!
Next post: Walking in freedom – bitterness: A Gift
