FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS (Parts 21-30)

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 21: NOT A CHRISTMAS STORY, BUT STILL A TIMELY ONE.**
**(12/24/21)**

*You hold my eyelids open; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I consider the days of old, the years long ago.*
*I said, "Let me remember my song in the night; let me meditate in my heart." (Psa 77:4-6a)*

“I am so troubled that I cannot speak.”

Here is a story from Steve Parker about a choice regarding bitterness:

MY FAILURE. GOD’S SUCCESS.

THE CRISIS: For a number of years in the first decade of the 21st century, I was the publisher of a Christian newspaper in the mountains of western North Carolina. In 2010, I felt like God was calling me to start a similar publication in Charlotte. For almost a year, my wife Susanne and I traveled back and forth between our home and Charlotte, investing a great deal of time, energy, and finances into launching a second Christian newspaper. In the end, it was not successful. Everything we had invested went down the drain, and I nearly lost the other newspaper as well.

At the time, it seemed as if everything I understood about my life and God’s direction and purpose was coming to an end. I was greatly confused. Hadn’t God sent us to Charlotte? Didn’t He want our newspaper to succeed?

I was a failure.

THE CROSSROADS: At that point, I had a choice. I could get frustrated, angry, and bitter at what was going on in my life. I could dwell on the negativity of the failure and question God for directing me to start a Christian newspaper in Charlotte.

Or I could go in a completely different direction. I could choose to believe God’s Word which says, “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose” (Rom 8:28).

THE DECISION: So I pushed back the negative feelings and decided that I would go with God!

Every morning, I would start off my day in prayer and I would radically and sometimes loudly praise God with all my might for the failure I was experiencing. I especially focused on being grateful for all that was happening because I knew that, even if I didn’t understand it, God was working to accomplish something good. And after thanking Him, I always remembered to ask Him what He was trying to teach me and what He wanted me to do.

None of that changed what happened with the newspaper. As I said at the beginning of the story, it was a complete failure. But it didn’t take long before I began to catch a glimpse of the good things that God was doing through this.

GOD’S REDEMPTIVE PURPOSE: Susanne and I had begun to attend a church in east Charlotte that had a number of refugee congregations using their facilities. As I spent time at the church and began to get out into the neighborhood where it was located, I became fascinated with all the different people groups that were living there. As I got to know some of them and learned of the horrific experiences that had driven them from their homelands and made it impossible for them to return, I felt a great stirring in my heart. Before long, I began to feel that the Lord was calling me and Susanne to move into that neighborhood.

This was totally unexpected, but the prospect excited me. However, I was pretty sure that Susanne wouldn’t necessarily feel the same way. You can imagine my surprise when I said to her one day, “I feel like God may be calling us to live in the neighborhood where we are going to church,” and she responded “So do I.” Talk about confirmation of what God was saying!

The rest of the story, as they say, is history. God continued to show that He was indeed calling us to move to Charlotte by connecting us with a ministry called Apartment Life. Through that organization, Susanne and I were placed in a low-income apartment community where many refugees had been resettled. It was there we first met the Montagnard people who had come as refugees from Vietnam. We soon found that God was calling us to engage with their community in a powerful way. We ended up starting summer enrichment and afterschool programs for K-8 students and discipleship / leadership training for young adults. We worked with parents as well, helping them navigate the various bureaucracies one encounters in everyday life as an American. Eventually, I even began to travel to Vietnam regularly in order to establish a ministry in Montagnard villages there.

THE DIFFERENCE: I am convinced that if I had given in to negativity, despair, and hopelessness when my life fell apart, we would have missed what God wanted to do in our lives. If I had given into the hurt of what I experienced when my life seemed to be coming apart, I would have gotten stuck, unable to grow spiritually. I would have hit a wall of bitterness, so to speak, and would not have been able to move forward in my ministry journey.

Thankfully though, I chose to believe God and, in faith, thank Him for what He was doing and what He was going to do, even though I couldn’t see it clearly at the time. As a result, I was able to be a blessing to many people, and to be blessed by them as well. Both Susanne and I have gained many new friends and can truly say that we love the Montagnard people as if they were our very own family.

But just as importantly, because I was able to tap into God’s power through radical thanksgiving in the midst of adversity, I was able to stay positive and focused on the goodness of God and keep learning and growing in Christ. I soon understood that, even though I had thought myself to be a mature Christian, God still had so much to teach me. A lot of that teaching was accomplished through my failure with the newspaper, as well as later when we were establishing our ministry to the Montagnards. By God’s grace, I was able to keep moving forward! He has taught me so much over the past decade and grown me up in ways I didn’t even realize that I needed. God is so faithful and good! He can be trusted in every situation to look out for us and bring good things into our life IF we don’t give in to bitterness, self-pity, and offendedness.

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18).

[Because he chose to trust God and not to live in bitterness, Steve Parker is the founder and President of Fochus Ministries (www.fochus.org).]

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 22: WARNING SIGNS - FEELINGS (12/26/21)**

*“For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (Prov. 23:7) (MKJV).*

In a prior post, we spoke of the devastating effect of the eruption of Mount St. Helens which was the worst volcanic disaster in U.S. history. Yet the eruption was not without warning. Scientists knew that Mount St. Helens was an active volcano – a part of the “Pacific rim of fire.” They knew that the volcano was going to blow. The only question was when.

In the two months that preceded the eruption, over 2800 earthquakes were recorded near the mountain, some of which measured over 5.0 on the Richter scale. A large bulge developed on the side of the mountain which indicated lava pressure that was building and was going to blow (Source: www.king5.com).

Despite these warnings, 57 people still died when the volcano erupted.

There are warning signs for bitterness as well. Bitterness begins with an offense. Many times an offense can be overlooked.

But if you begin to feel resentment against a person who offended you, you need to recognize it and to deal with it. Often you feel a twinge of resentment and you tell yourself “It is nothing. It will go away. Time will heal all wounds.” And you may be right.

But if the resentment lingers, then pay heed. If every time you see that person, you feel something negative, look out. If every time you think about that person, you scowl, then you probably need to deal with it.

Resentment that is allowed to fester grows into bitterness. Resentment is like the bulge that developed on the side of Mount St. Helens. You don’t see the lava and it is not something that is an active volcano. But the lava is there and it is dangerous.

The feeling of resentment means that something is wrong. And the resentment will boil up and become a barrier to relationship with that person. This dynamic is especially true of close relationships like marriage. If you feel resentment toward your spouse, you need to deal with it.

My encouragement is this: Don’t allow resentment to fester and to grow. When you feel it, you need to deal with it. Either your heart needs to change, or you need to take action to address issues in the relationship.

If you feel, then deal.

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Warning signs - Thoughts.

[ Surrender and Trust is a yearlong daily devotional and is available at the Books tab on this website.]

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 23: WARNING SIGNS – THOUGHTS (12/28/21)**

*“And lo, some of the scribes said within themselves, ‘This one blasphemes.’*
*“And Jesus, knowing their thoughts, said, ‘Why do you think evil in your hearts?’ ” (Matt. 9:3-4) (MKJV).*

“Why do you think evil in your hearts?”

In a prior post, we discussed the eruption of Mount St. Helens which was the worst volcanic disaster in U.S. history. In the two months that preceded the eruption, over 2800 earthquakes were recorded near the mountain, some of which measured over 5.0 on the Richter scale (Source: www.king5.com).

The earthquakes were signs of an internal shift that was occurring.

There are internal signs of bitterness when it is brewing in our hearts. They are like the tremors before a volcano. When a person offends us, we begin to have thoughts about that person internally. These thoughts take form such as:

1. Anger – “I can’t believe she did this to me.”

2. Blame – “It is his fault.”

3. Self righteousness – “I am correct in this matter.”

4. Judgment – “He is not worthy of my love or of my mercy.”

5. Hatred – “God and I hate all forms of evil.”

6. Rejection – “I can’t stand that person.”

These warning signs are indicators. Something is wrong. The negative thoughts need to stop. And the thoughts need to be replaced with grace, love, a heart of forgiveness, and a desire to reconcile relationship.

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Warning signs – Binge watching

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 24: WARNING SIGNS – BINGE WATCHING (12/31/21)**

*“Whoever hates disguises himself with his lips and harbors deceit in his heart” (Prov. 26:24).*

Dod Knows is a book about my beloved Uncle Jimmy, a Down’s Syndrome child adopted by my grandparents. Growing up, Jimmy was my friend and playmate. In Dod Knows, I write about Jimmy’s “gift of repetition”:

Repetition was Jimmy’s friend. Perhaps the area in which he was the most repetitive was his conversation. Jimmy’s mind was not the most agile. Jimmy didn’t have a broad range of conversation topics. What topics he did have though, were firmly imprinted.

Jimmy could talk through his normal range of conversation topics in about five minutes. Conversation was a means of relationship for Jimmy, and Jimmy loved relationship. After talking for the first five minutes, Jimmy went back and started the same topics over again. To Jimmy, something was just as interesting the hundredth time as it was the first time. Jimmy didn’t understand why his listener did not want to hear the same thing over and over and over again.

If the listener became a little agitated upon hearing the same story the third or fourth time around, Jimmy only tried harder to convey the information. Often, the beleaguered listener tried to change the topic. Jimmy would have none of that. A person couldn’t distract him off of his subjects. We joked that Jimmy’s train only ran on one track. The train ran early and it ran often, and it never jumped track. Jimmy got on his loop and he didn’t get off it. [From Chapter Four: “Repetition” of Dod Knows]

Steve Parker says that, when offended, we can get on a memory track and not get off of it. Often when an offense upsets us, we replay the offense in our mind. When we replay it, we feel negative emotions toward the person who offended us.

Then we think:

-“Oh! When he said that, I should have said this…!” or

-“Wow! When she did that, then I wish I would have done this…!”

As we imagine the response that the offense deserved, it affirms the wrong done to us and solidifies our own right standing in our mind.

And the track is like a tape on repeat. Each time we play it, we feel the offense in stronger and stronger terms. Our anger, resentment, and judgment grow until we reach the point of bitterness or even of hate. Because we know hate is wrong, we often deny that we hate that person. But it is still a negative feeling.

And if there is a series of wrongs or abuses, then we replay the series. It is a form of binge watching. The “binge watching” puts us in a downward spiral of bad feelings, resentment, and depression.

Fighting the battle of the mind is one of the keys to rejecting bitterness. The next time you find yourself “playing the tape” of an offense, I encourage you to do 3 things:

First, identify the emotions that you feel as you “replay” the offense. What emotions does the memory of the offense evoke?

Second, discern your motivation for “playing the tape.” Why do you “replay” it? A few examples of motivation could be:

-The version you watch affirms your rightness in the situation.

-The felt sympathy for the offense provides comfort for the hurt you suffered.

-The sense of injustice which the “tape” stirs would motivate any reasonable person to march and to protest with signs supporting your position.

Third, as you “play the tape,” invite a Guest to watch it with you. Ask God to sit and to watch the tape with you. Then turn to Him and ask Him to show you His perspective on it. What does God see and feel as He watches your offense tape?

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Warning signs – Bitterness has a voice.

[Dod Knows is a book of stories about Jimmy – a uniquely gifted individual who impacted many people in his life. More information about the humorous and poignant book is available at the Books tab.]

In the last few posts, we talked about the internal feelings and thoughts that indicate bitterness is brewing. As bitterness begins to take hold, it finds external expression. And one form of expression is words about the offense and about the offending party and their ilk.

Bitterness has a voice.

You have heard that voice many times from grade school into adulthood:

“That person wronged me by…”

“You won’t believe what she did, she…”

“That person is weird, he…”

“You can’t trust him, he …”

“She should be ashamed, she…”

“They are a bunch of so and so’s trying to destroy us…”

Paul fathered the Corinthian church. He loved the Corinthians and had a heart for them. But Paul was concerned that he would find in the church the very things that bitterness breeds: “quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder.”

Bitterness has a voice. That voice should not be expressed by followers of Jesus. It has no place in the church – the embodiment of Christ on earth. Yet we are flesh and blood, and we hear expressions of bitterness in places of worship just like in the marketplace, in the home, in the gym, and in the salon.

When followers of Christ refrain from expressions of bitterness, then they will experience Christ in fuller and fuller measure.

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: “If he didn’t want it told, then he shouldn’t have done it!”

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 26: WARNING SIGNS – IS IT GOSSIP IF IT IS TRUE? (1/4/22)**

“Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Tit 3:1-2).

“To speak evil of no one…”

Many years ago, I was at a party and the wife of a business associate, June, came up to me. She pointed at another person at the party and relayed a very juicy and very salacious tidbit about that person.

Years before, I had made a commitment not to participate in, or to receive, gossip. I looked at June and said, “June, you shouldn’t be saying such things about people.”

June looked at me with a scowl, but regained her composure and proclaimed, “Well, if he didn’t want it told, then he shouldn’t have done it!”

Gossip is defined as “talk or rumors involving the lives of other people.” (Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary). We tend to think of gossip as something that is untrue. After all, isn’t that June’s defense – that it was true? And if it was true, then June could tell it and it wasn’t gossip?

Something told that is false about someone is actually slander. Something that is told about another person to put that person in a negative light, to put them down, or to pay them back for an offense, is gossip – even if it is 100% true.

Gossip is one of the primary expressions of bitterness. Gossip makes an offended person feel better because it is a “payback” for the offense and it gives the offender “what (s)he deserves.”

Take a minute and think about the amount of gossip you hear. How much different would our world be if we all made a commitment “to speak evil of no one”?

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Deadly poison.

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 27: WARNING SIGNS – DEADLY POISON (1/7/22)**

“So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great things. How great a forest is set ablaze by such a small fire! And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.
“For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by mankind, but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so” (James 3:5-10).

“It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison.”

In prior posts, we discussed volcanic eruptions and warning signs of them. In 1986, approximately 1500 people died in Cameroon near a volcanic lake. It was a horrible tragedy. But there wasn’t any volcanic eruption or seismic activity. A medical team that investigated the tragedy concluded that a cloud of poisonous gas was released from the volcano and the toxic gas asphyxiated the victims (Source: www.washingtonpost.com).

Volcanoes release massive clouds of toxic gases. In fact, the most common cause of death from a volcano is suffocation (Source: www.community.fema.gov).

Gossip is the poisonous gas released by bitterness. It spreads from person to person like a cloud that poisons and suffocates. The intent of gossip is to tear down or even to destroy another person. Gossip is retaliation for a wrong done – “pay back with interest.”

And it is toxic. The poison of gossip destroys relationship. I reject the person(s) who offend me. I use the poison of gossip to cause other people to reject the person(s) who offend me.

This toxicity spreads in the work place, in families, in communities, and even in tribes and ethnic groups. Gossip spreads strife wherever it goes.

So the question is: How can we clean up this toxic environment?

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: The source of gossip.

[Surrender and Trust is a yearlong daily devotional and is available at the Books tab on this website.]

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 28: WARNING SIGNS – THE SOURCE OF GOSSIP (1/9/22)**

“You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. The good person out of his good treasure brings forth good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure brings forth evil.
*“I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak, for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned” (Matt 12:34-37).*

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Here is a story from Dod Knows about the power of words:

Grandmother (Meme) used to say:

Papa and I were driving in the car one day with Jimmy. Papa and I had made an agreement. We had agreed that we were going to help each other watch our tongues. We had resolved not to say anything negative about anyone else. If one of us caught the other one saying something negative about someone else, the person who said something negative would miss the next meal.

Papa and I were driving along when we saw a road construction crew working on the road. Traffic was backed up and it was an aggravation. When we finally reached the place where the crew was working - well, they weren’t exactly doing very much.

A couple of the men were talking to each other and the rest looked like they were just leaning on their shovels. Papa had worked in construction, and I knew that he hated to see working men just standing around.

Papa said, “Well, would you look at those men just standing there!”

At that point, I just knew that Papa was going to miss the next meal. His tone of voice was not exactly approving. He was frustrated from the traffic jam, and I knew he didn’t like what he saw of the construction crew. I waited for his next comment.

But Papa caught himself at that point. He hurriedly added, “And would you look at what a beautiful ditch those men are digging in the middle of the road!” We all laughed. I was relieved that Papa didn’t have to miss the next meal, but probably not as relieved as Papa was.

A positive outlook without negativity was something that Grandaddy and Grandmother (Papa and Meme) worked on constantly. They faced significant challenges throughout their lives. In order to survive the rough patches, they trained their minds to focus on cheerful expectations rather than dark imaginations. It was one of the many ways that they practiced their faith.

Grandaddy and Grandmother understood the power of words. They emphasized words of encouragement and of hope. A critical attitude was quickly corrected. More than once, I heard a person express a negative expectation about a situation to Meme. Meme’s response was “I’m not believing that is what is going to happen.”

Positive thoughts, words of faith, and words of gratitude are a few of the weapons that Papa and Meme used in the battle of the mind. The agreement to miss the next meal if one of them said anything critical showed how serious they were in the fight. [From Chapter Seventeen of Dod Knows: “Driving”]

Words of encouragement, words of faith, and words of hope are so important in the struggle to eliminate a critical attitude and to overcome bitterness.

Ponder for a minute of the commitment that Papa and Meme made not to say anything negative about anyone else – and to attach accountability to the commitment. What a great way to battle bitterness!

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: The impact of gossip.

[Dod Knows is a book of stories about Jimmy – a uniquely gifted individual who impacted many people in his life. More information about the humorous and poignant book is available at the Books tab.]

**WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS**
**PART 29: WARNING SIGNS – THE IMPACT OF GOSSIP (1/11/22)**

*“Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends” (Prov. 17:9).*

Here is a devotion from Surrender and Trust – Book Two:

I had a friend, a coworker in ministry, who did something that offended me. I went home and searched my heart. I wrote a letter to him about it. After more soul searching and “spousal accountability” that caused me to soften the letter, I sent it.

A couple of days later, my friend called me and said he received my letter. He asked if he could come see me immediately. I was in my backyard doing work, but agreed he could come.

When my friend arrived, he came straight to me in the backyard. He acknowledged his action and confessed it. He apologized profusely and asked for my forgiveness.

I granted the forgiveness verbally and we talked a little bit more. As my friend was leaving, I said “Wait a minute! I need to tell you one more thing. I want you to know that I have not discussed this matter with anyone else. The matter is now over and I will not discuss it with anyone else.”

My friend said “Thank you!” I don’t know how my friend felt but my respect for my friend increased from that day on.

Many people think the antithesis to confession is silence or even isolation. But the antithesis to confession is gossip. Gossip proclaims judgment and condemnation of another publicly instead of confession of my wrong. Gossip tries to pin sin on another person instead of facilitating its release through confession and forgiveness.

Gossip intends to increase the shame of another person while it feeds the pride of the talebearer through the pretense of superiority. But in fact gossip is a “shame shield” that connects to the inner shame of the person who gossips. The pride of the slanderer is a commonly used shield to hide and placate felt shame.

That is why the instruction in Matthew 18 about addressing an offense says “Go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matt 18:15b). When I gossip about an offense, I have doubled the transgression.

Consider the impact of gossip. Gossip actually brings third parties into the offense, and tries to make them partake of the offense and to feel it. How hard will it be to reconcile with my friend after my friend hears that I have been talking with others about him? I have broken trust and destroyed the relationship, sometimes irreparably.

Meditation: In scripture, there are lists of evils such as fornication, murder, and theft. Gossip is included as a serious sin in many of these lists. See Matt 15:19. Meditate on the reasons why gossip is treated so harshly in scripture. In your journal, write down reasons why gossip is so offensive.

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: For lack of wood, the fire goes out.

[From Surrender and Trust – Book Two, Section III, Week Nine (Power of Confession), Day 5. Surrender and Trust is a yearlong daily devotional and is available at the Books tab.]

“For lack of wood, the fire goes out…”

One time I had a family member close to me that expressed bitterness about her spouse in his absence. Her husband had such great talent, but had “wasted” his life. He had the ability to go to school and to get a good job, but instead he worked menial jobs throughout his life. He didn’t have any ambition. He was so good with people, but he had settled for low paying jobs.

I was distressed when I heard the husband being run down like that. I didn’t want to participate in the roasting. So I turned to my wife and asked “Do you talk about me like that when I’m not around?”

The family member looked at me with a scowl and then said “Well, I can say whatever I want about him. He’s family!”

Gossip can stop with me. Granted, it is a struggle to control my own tongue. Yet I can control my words if I work at it.

But my response to gossip is also important. Consider why gossip occurs. The person telling is trying to find sympathy and comfort for hurt feelings. One reason she verbally attacks another person is to solicit support for her side and to garner sympathy.

She wants to hear “Oh! That is terrible!” or “What a waste!” But the listener can refuse to sympathize with the tale bearing.

Another reason for gossip is to hit back at an offender. The tale bearer wants other people to feel poorly about offender just like she does. She is trying the offender in the court of private opinion.

When the listener refuses to participate in gossip, then he is not a party to it. I have heard some strange reactions to my refusals to participate in backbiting – like the excuse that it is acceptable behavior to “slice and dice” a person if he is a family member. But the fire does go out when we reject gossip.

One final truth: If the talebearer is talking about other people to you, whom do you think the talebearer skewers when you are not around? The answer is…YOU! The pattern is the same; only the names have changed. The person gossiping TO you today is the person gossiping ABOUT you tomorrow.

“For lack of wood, the fire goes out…” Gossip can stop with me.

The Bitterness Avalanche: Feelings > Thoughts and memories > Words > Actions

Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Warning signs - Actions

FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS (Parts 21-30)

FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS (Parts 31-40)

FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS (Parts 11-20)

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