FREEDOM FROM BITTERNESS (Parts 11-20)
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 11: BITTERNESS BEGINS WITH AN OFFENSE
(
11/30/21)
“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out” (Pro. 17:14)
Bitterness doesn’t just happen. Bitterness begins with an offense. The offense can be a petty matter that snowballs. Or it can be a major event that results in trauma and turmoil. But the manner in which we respond to any offense will determine the course of our lives for years to come – sometimes even for a lifetime.
Here are some types of offenses (real or perceived): an insult, an injustice, a dysfunction, a broken promise, an abuse, a failed expectation, a slight, an imposition, a disagreement.
Some offenses can be overlooked. Many offenses should be addressed appropriately with the offending person. And sometimes we need to seek professional help for trauma we have suffered.
But there are a couple of keys to combat bitterness.
The first key is to be hard to offend. Grow in patience and in humility such that offenses roll off your back like water off of a duck. So many times, our offense is rooted in our own pride. “She can’t do that to me!”
The second key is a choice – a choice not to allow bitterness to grow out of an offense. In order to succeed in this choice, you cannot focus on the offense. Make a choice to turn your attention to the Lord, point out the offense to Him, and commit it to Him. Then leave it in His hands. Don’t re-claim it. He sees and He knows.
As long as you focus on the offense, you will wallow in it. Each time you think about it, it will seem worse…eventually intolerable. If you allow yourself to dwell in the bog, you will sink and bitterness will overwhelm you.
One device that I use to change a thought pattern is physically turning. If I have a thought that I don’t want to dwell on, I see myself turning to the Lord and committing it to Him. I then physically turn as a symbolic way of turning away from the thought and turning myself toward the Lord.
Choose grace. Decide to focus on the Lord and His loving grace, and not on the offense.
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: A common offense.
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 12:
A COMMON OFFENSE (12/3/21)
“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses” (Prov. 10:12)
Here is a devotion about a common offense from Surrender and Trust - Book One:
I had a situation that regularly upset me. For me, a very simple but real offense that seemed to occur daily was driving in traffic. I live in a large city. People drive like maniacs. Challenged drivers cut in front of you. They don’t let you merge into oncoming traffic. They drive 20 miles per hour over the speed limit and tailgate you when you don’t do the same. People can be so inconsiderate. I even got to the point that I categorized the bumper stickers of the most offensive drivers. I was righteously indignant at some of the worst categories.
Then, I decided to drive with love and grace for my fellow drivers. Determined not to get upset, my focus became blessing the inconsiderate motorist. If someone cut in front of me, I tried to defer. If someone drove recklessly, I tried to bless them and not think bad thoughts of them. My new attitude met with repeated failure, but my driving attitude did change. I allowed love to enter the world of motor vehicle operation.
The nature of love is love. God’s love is perfect. His love is constant, consistent, and unchanging. Love is His unchanging attribute. It does not waver.
Our love is imperfect. If another person is mean or spiteful to us, our love may quickly change to anger, pain, or vengefulness. We often want to lash out and to pay back the offense.
But it is not so with God. His love does not change. Whether treated well or treated spitefully, God still loves perfectly. God loves His enemies because His love endures from everlasting to everlasting.
“Love covers all offenses” – even driving offenses!
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Counterintuitive thinking.
[Excerpt from Surrender and Trust - Book One, Section I, Week Nine (Demonstrations of God’s Love), Day 4]
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 13: AN UNBELIEVABLE PERSPECTIVE (12/5/21)
And Joseph said to his brothers, "I am Joseph! Is my father still alive?" But his brothers could not answer him, for they were dismayed at his presence.
So Joseph said to his brothers, "Come near to me, please." And they came near. And he said, "I am your brother, Joseph, whom you sold into Egypt. And now do not be distressed or angry with yourselves because you sold me here, for God sent me before you to preserve life.
For the famine has been in the land these two years, and there are yet five years in which there will be neither plowing nor harvest. And God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors. So it was not you who sent me here, but God. He has made me a father to Pharaoh, and lord of all his house and ruler over all the land of Egypt (Gen. 45:3-8)
So let’s review the story of Joseph.
His brothers were jealous of him. They plotted to kill him. Instead, they sold him as a slave for twenty shekels of silver (hmm...something there that betrayal in exchange for a little pocket change). But Joseph did not become bitter at his brothers.
Next Joseph is a slave in a house in Egypt. Joseph acts virtuously, but is falsely accused by his master’s wife. His master throws Joseph into prison. But Joseph did not become bitter at his master.
Next Joseph served hard time in prison for years. He correctly interprets the dreams of Pharaoh’s assistants. But he is forgotten and abandoned. But Joseph did not become bitter at God.
After God exalts Joseph, his brothers come to Egypt begging for food. Joseph could have executed any revenge he wanted for their betrayal. In fact, when his brothers realize who he is, they are expecting it!
But listen to Joseph’s perspective:
“God sent me before you to preserve life.”
“God sent me before you to preserve for you a remnant on earth, and to keep alive for you many survivors.”
“So it was not you who sent me here, but God.”
What? What an unbelievable perspective! In the face of so many offenses, this man of God had somehow managed to look past his feelings and the wrongs done to him. Joseph had a different perspective. It was counterintuitive.
Joseph somehow grasped GOD’S PERSPECTIVE in the matter. And that perspective enabled him to fulfill God’s call and destiny in his life…and to save a nation in the process. How can we look past our personal feelings about an offense and grasp GOD’S PERSPECTIVE on the situation?
Meditation: Consider Joseph and the way that he handled his offense. He was in a position of power. When his conniving brothers appeared in Egypt, he could have beheaded them on the spot. But Joseph did not allow bitterness against God or against his brothers to destroy a nation. He aligned himself with God’s purpose in the offense...and he saved a nation.
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: A different way to view things.
[Excerpt from Surrender and Trust – Book Two, Section III, Week Nine (Offense), Day 5]
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 14: A DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING (12/7/21
)
“For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God” (1 Cor. 1:18)
A hallmark of maturity in a follower of Jesus is both the ability and the willingness to see circumstances and interactions from the perspective of God.
It is doubly hard to see offenses in our lives from God’s perspective. In an earlier post, I talked about how we need not to focus on the offense and instead to focus on God and to give the offense to Him. This focus is extremely hard when we are in pain or wounded by an offense. Our own feelings get in the way.
Yet a mature believer has the humility and unselfish outlook required to turn to God and ask Him for His perspective on the situation. Faith believes that God is working in all circumstances in our lives, even through the offenses we suffer. Self awareness and humility compel us to ask Him for his perspective on the offense.
Here is a different way to view it: The offense may be a blessing from God to you. GOD MAY BE ALLOWING THE OFFENSE IN YOUR LIFE FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! Yes, the offense hurts us and it wounds our pride. But God’s perspective may involve a purpose for the offense. You may actually need for the offense to occur for your benefit!
God can allow an offense to occur for many reasons:
· Maybe He wants to do a work in your heart.
· Maybe He wants you to grow in grace and in humility.
· Maybe He wants to “rub off some rough edges.”
· Maybe He wants to do a work in the heart of the offender.
· Maybe He wants you to be a witness to the offender by the manner that you approach him/her and handle the offense.
· Maybe He wants you to be a witness of God’s love to nonbelievers who see or hear about the offense.
· Maybe He just wants to save a nation (see my last post for this one).
And that “word of the cross” that is folly to those who are perishing? Paul is certainly referring to the gospel there. But he is also referring to the way of the cross in which God used the suffering, anguish, blood, and life of His Servant for the good of all who call on His Name.
So next time you suffer an offense, consider the possibility that it is actually a blessing from God – a positive thing, and that God has allowed the offense for your benefit.
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: You have got to kidding me!
[Excerpt from Surrender and Trust – Book Two, Section III, Week Nine (Offense), Day 5.
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 15: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME! (12/10/21)
“But I say to you who hear, ‘Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you’” (Luke 6:27-28)
“Pray for those who abuse you.”
Here we have another Kingdom teaching from Jesus that is contrary to our human nature. Because of His teachings and claims, Jesus was considered crazy by many of His contemporaries. “He has a demon and is insane, why listen to Him?” (John 10:20).
Now take a minute and think about someone who has abused you. What do you feel toward that person? What do you think and feel about blessing that person…doing good to that person…praying for that person?
Here is my historic reaction to this verse and to many other verses like it: “I am the one hurt here. I have been grievously wronged. This person is evil. But here is a command from Jesus so I, in my righteous and saintly status, will begrudgingly offer up a prayer for the offender. The prayer isn’t heartfelt, but I am obligated to do it.”
Pretty sanctimonious, isn’t it?
Here is a different way to view it: God has placed the person who offended you in your life as a potential blessing to you. By reacting to the offense with a heart filled with love, God has something there for you.
So when Jesus said to bless the offender, He is teaching us about the fundamental nature of love and grace. But He also may be indicating that the offender is actually a blessing from God in your life.
More crazy talk? You can decide.
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: You meant it for evil. God meant it for good.
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 16: YOU MEANT IT FOR EVIL. GOD MEANT IT FOR GOOD. (12/12/21)
When Joseph's brothers saw that their father was dead, they said, "It may be that Joseph will hate us and pay us back for all the evil that we did to him." So they sent a message to Joseph, saying, "Your father gave this command before he died: 'Say to Joseph, "Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you."' And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father." Joseph wept when they spoke to him.
His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants."
But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones." Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them (Gen 50:15-21)
God never ends anything on a negative; God always ends on a positive. –Edwin Louis Cole
Joseph’s brothers are Joseph’s persecutors. They caused him a world of hurt. And they knew it! So when Jacob died, even after Joseph had assured his brothers that their evil actions were actually a part of God’s plan for Joseph, Joseph’s brothers were afraid of retaliation from Joseph. They came before Joseph and begged for mercy.
But Joseph did understand God’s divine plan. He trusted in God without regard to whether his own brothers treated him well or treated him poorly. He did not resent, repay, or retaliate for the wrong done to him, even when it was within his power to do so. Joseph only had to say the word and his brothers would have been imprisoned or enslaved as they did to him. That sentence would have been just!
But Joseph refused to retain the offense because his confidence in the Lord and his trust in His redemptive nature. “You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.”
God is working in times of pain, loss, disaster, or darkness in my life. I might look around me and ask “How can God be mixed up in this mess?”
But God has a divine plan that is bigger, better, and more loving than I can imagine. God uses the evils in my life and turns them to good. My trust in Him prevails over any circumstance that I may face – even if that circumstance is in the form of a grievous offense.
If Joseph had reacted to any of the challenges and offenses he faced with bitterness, Joseph would not have fulfilled God’s plan for him. But Joseph trusted in the goodness of God!
God is a good God. He has the power to take evil things and to use them for good in the lives of His children.
A primary key to overcome bitterness and offense in our lives is to trust at all times and in all places in the goodness of a good God!
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: The goodness of God!
[Excerpts from Surrender and Trust – Book Two, Section IV, Week Ten (Restoration), Day 2]
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 17: THE GOODNESS OF GOD (12/14/21)
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living!
“Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!” (Psa 27:13-14)
Here is a devotion from Surrender and Trust – Book Two:
Do I really believe in the goodness of God?
The goodness of God is that which disposes Him to be kind, cordial, benevolent, and full of good will toward men. He is tenderhearted and of quick sympathy, and His unfailing attitude toward all moral beings is open, frank, and friendly. By His nature, He is inclined to bestow blessedness and He takes Holy pleasure in the happiness of His people. (Quoted from The Knowledge of the Holy, by A. W. Tozer)
I previously wrote of my extended illness (I.Week Four, Day 3). My illness lasted 2 years and it was filled with intense physical pain, weakness, weight loss, and, at times, darkness. Many of my days were a matter of survival – physically and spiritually.
I was essentially bedridden for months. During my illness, I searched my heart and reviewed personal doubts, issues, and dysfunctions. One major issue for me was trust. For many reasons, I struggled to trust other people, and I struggled to trust God.
My conclusion in the area of trust in God came down to one key question: DO I REALLY BELIEVE IN THE GOODNESS OF GOD? Yes, I had knowledge theologically that God is good. But in my soul, in my emotions, in my instincts, and in the core of my being, do I really believe in the goodness of God?
Almost paradoxically to me, as I slowly began to recover, I realized that I had a much deeper internal belief in the goodness of God. I had been stricken, but a belief in the goodness of God helped me to trust Him when I could not see it.
God is a good God!
Meditation: “Love is kind.” Spend time exploring your belief in the goodness of God. How do you view God – not just mentally, but emotionally, instinctively, and internally? Consider the connection between trust in God and the goodness of God. Journal about it.
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: The progression of bitterness (Note: Understanding this progression is important!)
[From Surrender and Trust – Book Two, Section III, Week Twelve (Goodness of God), Day 3]
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 18: PATTERNS AND PROGRESSIONS (12/17/21)
“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (Heb. 12:15)
One important assignment in our yearlong Residency Urban Ministry Training program is to write a Spiritual Life History (or “Life Tapestry”). Over a number of weeks, the Resident writes a spiritual history about personal faith, major life events, and ministry experiences. Residency leaders and the mentor read the Spiritual Life History and then meet with the Resident about it. (See the “Resources” tab at www.surrenderandtrust.net for prompts on writing a Spiritual Life History. It is a beneficial exercise!)
There are many reasons to write the Spiritual Life History, but one of the foremost reasons is that it identifies patterns or progressions that have repeated in the life of Resident. These patterns may show a dependency, a history of broken relationships, a cycle of highs and lows, or even regular “crashes.” A frequent comment is “I didn’t even know that this pattern existed until I wrote my Life Tapestry.”
Awareness of a recurring pattern or progression is important in dealing with it. Residents learn to recognize “triggers” or symptoms of a recurring problem. Then a resident can take steps to counteract or to prevent the pattern.
Bitterness has patterns and progressions as well. If we recognize the warning signs – the steps that lead to bitterness - then we can avoid slipping into it.
Here is a common progression of bitterness:
1. An offense (real or perceived) occurs: (such as an insult, an injustice, a dysfunction, a broken promise, an abuse, a failed expectation, a slight, an imposition, or a disagreement);
2. The offense causes resentment;
3. Resentment from the offense acts like a seed planted in our hearts that, if allowed to germinate (read: fester), grows into bitterness;
4. Bitterness creates barriers (such as unkind feelings, thoughts, words, and actions) against the offender;
5. The barriers encourage rejection of the offending person;
6. The rejection breaks the relationship (people who experience bitterness often have a pattern of broken relationships in their lives);
7. Lack of relationship and living in bitterness lead to many negative impacts including depression, loneliness, spiritual coldness, judgmentalism, and gossip.
We will discuss warning signs in more detail in future posts. But for now, review this progression and ask the Lord to show you ways in which you have seen or experienced this progression in your life.
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Soul impact.
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 19: SOUL IMPACT (
12/19/21)
“When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you” (Psa. 73:21-22)
“I was like a beast toward You.”
In our prior post, we discussed the progression of bitterness. This progression results in negative impacts – not just on our emotions, but on our spiritual life. Here is devotion from Pastor Daniel Martin in Surrender and Trust – Book Two:
As I knelt in prayer, seeking You, waiting on You, listening for You, I believe I heard You! It was not like most times on my knees (it was not even ten minutes, only nine)—it was You speaking as I was listening.
The response You were wanting from me, was submission to the truths You were sharing with me, with me acknowledging my wrong, with me admitting to the things You were sharing with me that weren’t pleasant.
I learned the following things:
Where there is bitterness, there is:
acknowledgement that others are wrong
acknowledgment that I have been mistreated
acknowledgement that I have been far more wronged that I am wrong
ignoring of You / ignoring of the cross (“It’s all about me!”)
PRIDE flowing full and free—wave after wave of it, with growing intensity
NO humility / Filth
Lack of Godliness (Godlessness)
Ugliness / Changing from glory to less glory
Becoming more like the accuser of the brethren than like You
Siding with the enemy/Siding with the darkness
Failure to see others better than myself
Success in seeing myself exalted
Seeking the kingdom of darkness more than the kingdom of God/light
I leave myself vulnerable to every kind of attack of the enemy
The very bitterness itself is his attack, an attack that I not only am sort of accepting, an attack that I am eagerly embracing!
I am willing to be separated from You on some important levels, all for the sake of clinging to MY righteousness in the matter!
I am becoming more and more blind—and accepting my blindness as a badge or something to be treasured
The pile keeps growing and I am only partially scratching the surface of the list! -Pastor Daniel Martin, 8/6/15
Bitterness is a creeping darkness that kills spiritual life. Let’s heed Pastor Martin’s warnings and work to avoid the trap of bitterness!
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: Emotional kudzu
[Devotion from Surrender and Trust – Book Two, Section III, Week Nine (Offense), Day 1]
WALKING IN FREEDOM – BITTERNESS
PART 20:
EMOTIONAL KUDZU
(12/21/21)
“See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no ‘root of bitterness’ springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled” (Heb. 12:15)
“Bitterness is like emotional kudzu. You think it is just a little thing. Then, before you know it, it covers and smothers everything else and it chokes your heart” - Mary Beth Thurman
We quoted this verse from Hebrews 12:15 in a prior post. But notice that bitterness “springs up” – kind of like kudzu. One minute you think everything is fine…nothing major, but the next minute you find yourself feeling chagrin, resentment, distaste, or even dislike. Sometimes bitterness seems to spring up on you.
And like kudzu, bitterness has a stifling effect on your soul. The negative impacts of bitterness include immaturity, selfishness, blindness, loss of creativity, failure of gifts, judgment, loss of hope, spiritual coldness, and even spiritual death.
When we experience bitterness, it is like hitting a spiritual wall. It can be both blinding and disillusioning. Bitterness prevents us from growing in the Lord in the ways that He intends. It literally stunts our growth and keeps us from moving forward in our journey to freedom. Bitterness can prevent us from realizing our purpose and destiny in Him.
So watch out for kudzu!
Next post: Walking in freedom – Bitterness: A choice about bitterness
